Full House

I've been back in London for a little over three months, living with seven others in a houseshare. It's something I've never really done before, so it's all new to me.

When I first moved in, there were only two others in residence. I must admit that it all felt a bit Big Brother at the time as new housemates joined The House. We all get along well enough with each other, considering we have no communal living area, just the kitchen. It'll come as no surprise that the kitchen is where we spend most time talking. That and the garden porch, where a couple of us will share a smoke and chit some chat.

It's also the first time I've lived alone. Which isn't to say I've never had my own place, I have, but I was either dating someone or living with them. This time it's just me. Except that it isn't. I still see my boys and we have the occasional sleepover (last time we had a tent in my room). I really quite like living here. True, it has it's fair share of faults but it suits my purposes.

Two of our housemates have left the house and already been replaced. Just when I was getting used to everybody, the dynamic changes. Oh, well. I know it's a bit of a cliche but that's life. People come and go in our lives all the time. I'm sure the new housemates will fit in just as well as the old ones. 

Who knows where I'll be this time, next year? I don't. But right now I'm happy enough where I am. 

Famous Last Words

I wrote this yesterday.

"I'm just going through the motions. I have nothing to live for. When I was low and feeling depressed, I had something to live for. Now I don't. I just can't see a way out other than to take my own life. I don't want to make a spectacular statement. I just don't want to live anymore. The best things in my life have been taken from me and no matter how much I beg I'm not getting them back. I've tried reasoning and pleading but nothing works. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I don't want to continue with the life I have left."

And then I saw this photo of my boys.

I still feel depressed, I still feel suicidal and yet...

And yet...

Day 316: Temptation

Getting the proverbial monkey off your back isn't easy. Making sure that it stays that way is much harder to achieve. For me, the monkey's name is Mary Jane and for the past 12 months I've  managed to keep her off my back by simply avoiding her and not giving her an opportunity to climb back on again. Until last night...

 

She strolled in nonchalantly, "Don't mind me, I'm not here for you". And she wasn't. But I kept her in my sights all the while, very much aware of her presence in the room. Seeing her is one thing, I could cope with that, it was her scent that made me feel uncomfortable. I found myself not breathing simply to avoid it. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was a reflex, it was self preservation. Fortunately, she didn't hang around for long and I could relax again.

Until someone else started to miss her.

"Where is she? Why isn't she answering her phone?" And even when she replied and said she was on her way, because she wasn't there soon enough it became "Where is she? Why isn't she answering her phone?" again. I began to feel tense. This is exactly the way I used to behave when I let her rule my life. Now I was watching someone else under her spell and I didn't like it one little bit. From now on she can do what she likes as long as she doesn't come anywhere near me. I thought I could cope with being in her presence.

I was wrong.

And I won't be putting myself in that position again.

Farewell my friend

In the week since Becky Kennett left us, we have each dealt with it in our own way. Many of us (and believe me, there were MANY) left a message on Becky's Facebook page. I have decided to quote as many as I could in my blog. This is what little I can do to show my respect for a woman that lived every moment of her life to the fullest and never gave up.

"You are a beautiful soul Becky and know you will be missed by many."
"Cannot believe that heaven has taken another beautiful angel way too early."
"I can't express how much you will be missed... You have left a huge whole in the world, loved by so many, you will be missed more then you will ever know."
"...glad your out of pain now. R.I.P Angel."
"I hope you have found peace in heaven. Goodbye for now until we one day meet again..."
"...you have touched so many people's life's. You will be missed."
"I didn't even know about your battle Becky. Way way way too young"
"Live life to the full, let go of hatred and be compassionate to others. The people you love and care about may not be here tomorrow."
"Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, Becky."
"You stayed so strong throughout your battle...every time I saw you, you never failed to have a beaming smile on your face."
"It was a great pleasure to have known you!"
"You have been taken way to soon, I only hope you know how much you touched my life and everyone who knows you!"
"This has made me realise life is too short to wait for things and plan ahead, we must live for the now!"
"In the words of my 5 year old! Don't be upset mummy, u can't go for dinner or lunch with Becky anymore but u can always talk to her in heaven whenever u want."
"Life can be very unfair but, looking at what everyone has written, you definitely left your mark."
"What a terrible loss to the world, a beautiful light has gone out."
"...always made me smile, and a pleasure to have known you...""You have been so brave & I now hope you are at peace."
"...we had a lot of laughs and good times...that is something that I will treasure..."
"...one of the most beautiful, kind, funny girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting..."
"...such an amazing person, not just a beautiful girl outside but inside as well. so happy to have met u and call u a friend."
"There was never a dull moment with U around Always Smiling Laughing..."
"I've got nothing but fond memories of you..."
"You will be most stunningly missed."
"You were one in a million, who always made everyone smile with your infectious personality. So glad I had you in my life."
"Shine brightly in the sky always."
"You brightened up everyone's lives who were fortunate enough to meet you."
"...such a laugh and joy to be with..."
"Will always remember the good times."
"I want to hear your infectious laugh just one more time."
"You were always the life of the party, I will remember you as bubbly and happy. One of the kindest people I've known."
"Friends are like stars, you don't always see them but you know they are always there."

My own personal memory of Becky was when she danced with me when nobody else would. To put it into perspective, the music that was playing at the time was I Don't Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters and I was totally camping out. As has already been mentioned, she was very brave.

Goodbye, Becky ;) xx

Day 98: Definition of a mental breakdown

This isn't my personal definition of a mental breakdown but it made a lot of sense when it was told to me recently.

"It's the realisation that the life you thought you were going to have isn't the life that you're living."

I heard this from someone who had suffered from depression at some point in his life. It's quite surprising, once you open up and admit that you have a problem, how many other people have had similar problems in their lives.

If you're keeping your depression, or any mental illness, to yourself, may I suggest that you share your problem with someone. It won't halve it but it does lighten the load ever so slightly.

Guardian Angels

As you may know, I recently lost my job, and I've not really done anything about finding work. It left me feeling down but if I'm being honest that's no excuse. I've been sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for myself for far too long and today a man knocked on my door and woke me up.
He asked me if I'd like a "No Junk Mail" sticker for my front door. Why not, I thought. He explained that he was out of work and was trying to make a little money by offering these stickers for any small change. I said that I was out of work too, implying I had no money to give. He gave me a sticker anyway.
If I were a religious man, now would be the time to declare that I had received a vision.
I'm not.
But he did make me see that it's time to get up off my backside and turn my life around.
Gotta go, the world awaits...