Day 312: All by myself

It's been a little over a week since I last saw my psychologist and it's also the last time I would see my psychologist. My course of treatment came to an end and I have been set adrift, left to fend for myself, in a world that isn't much different from the one I came from when it began.

 

Do I feel any great benefit from our time together? On the whole I would have to say, not really, although in her eyes I have made some progress. I guess you would have to ask the people around me if they think there is any real difference.

I'm still taking the Sertraline that I was prescribed way back in November 2012, although I'm not taking it religiously every day. Instead, I'll miss a day here and there as and when I feel I can cope without it. But again, I don't feel that it has made much difference to the way I feel or behave, partly because I used to smoke weed nearly every day for the best part of twenty years and therefore have no real reference for what normal is.

So what happens next? Where do I go from here?

 

 

Day 201: Conversations and role play

It has been a couple of months since a last posted anything about my trips to the psychologist. Mostly because I felt that there wasn't any real progress and partly because I was feeling a little guilty for not doing my homework. By homework, I mean the mood chart. I was to choose an emotion (anxiety, stress, etc) and for each hour of the day, mark out of ten, how I felt, 1 being not depressed, 10 bordering on suicidal. For some reason I just couldn't bring myself to complete even one day of the chart, let alone one week.

The lack of progress centred around the fact that all our conversations appeared very one way, with my psychologist asking relatively short questions followed by me giving long, detailed answers. Quite often I would reach what I thought was the end of my answer only to find my psychologist looking at me expectantly, waiting to see what else I have to say.




It's quite an unusual position to find myself in considering that most people I talk to have always got something to say. Having someone actually listen to me without them thinking about what they're going to say next isn't something that happens every day. For me it occurs for one hour, once a week, excluding bank holidays, sickness and acts of God.

Speaking of acting, the point of this post was to reveal how something different had happened during our most recent session together. We did some role play. The purpose of this was to put me in a situation where I might find myself getting angry. It worked quite well in that even though I didn't lose my temper, I did begin to feel uncomfortable. My psychologist had asked me to let her know if I started getting worked up during the exercise. I guess she didn't want me losing my rag and trashing her office. Can't say I blame her, I wouldn't be too keen either.

Day 72: Progress

I forgot to mention, before Christmas, that I spoke to someone from a mental health clinic who was going to assess my mental state and recommend a course of action. Well, I saw him again yesterday and we have agreed to arrange an appointment with a psychologist. At last, this is what I've been wanting since day 1.
I know there's something wrong with me, or I wouldn't be depressed, and I need to find out what it is before it can be fixed. I'm still taking my medication (Sertraline) which appears to help but I don't see that as a long term solution. I never wanted to take it in the first place but it's what was prescribed. Now I might get the answers I've been searching for.
Wish me luck.